Thursday, 15 July 2010

Joe Hawkins has been pondering a lot lately, gently pondering…

Is it good Wigan etiquette to eat a meat and tater pie with a plastic fork?
Has there ever been a bigger cunt than John Terry?
That Irish slapper that Fat Frank is shagging. Who ever told her she was a) talented and b) decent looking? Horrible talentless munter - a bit like Fat Frank then.
Chester fans. Biggest set of deluded whoppers ever. Their behaviour - on the non-league messageboards - when they thought (God forbid) they might have to play in the Vodkat League was pitiful, embarrassing, pathetic, big-time Charlie and downright disgusting.
The England team kit. About the only thing they got right. Big up to Umbro, Aitor Throup and Charlie Allen. Second best kit - Paraguay. Red and white stripes and blue shorts shouldn't work but as been seen before it just does…
Moonboots' mixes. The Balearic DJ, Wigan's finest and all-round top bloke. Go to Google and check them out. Skill!
Stevie Wonder at Glastonbury from the comfort of the armchair. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant!
The rest of the acts from Glastonbury from the comfort of the armchair. Dreadful, absolutely dreadful. Apart from Ray Davies immediately after England's capitulation to the Gerries. Turned the telly over and there he is performing 'Waterloo Sunset' and 'Days' for his mate - the Kinks bassist Peter Quaife - who had died during the week. Beautiful, stirring, emotional and skilful. Everything that those overpaid egotistic prima donnas hadn't been. Thank you for the days, Pete.
Chris Waddle's outburst: "We need to go back to jumpers for goalposts". Well said you chubby old Geordie.
Waiting for the fixtures. Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting… We know it takes a while and we know the reasons but it doesn't make it any easier especially when the Premiership and Football League fixtures have been out for weeks.
Henley's tee shirts, shorts, black socks and horrible trainers. "The youth of today pah", he says as he sits in madras shirt, chinos and dessies. Joe Hawkins still leading the way in his fifties 
Muffin Man back on form. Large tater, small meat and a slice. Perfection. Gordon "I used to be a footballer you useless fucking idiot" Ramsey: Eat your big fat arse out - that's all it takes!
That said it's a barm cake. Never baps, rolls, muffins or whatever.
Diego Maradona. You just can't come to hate him, can you? I know, I know but you'd have one of him over a hundred John Terrys. Did I mention that he was a cunt? I liked the comment I saw on the internet: "If you got the five biggest cunts in the world together and let them have a race to find out who was the biggest cunt John Terry would finish second on purpose. He's that big of a cunt!"
Pre-season training: I'm sweating, throwing up, cursing and turning crimson just watching the lads do their stuff.
Beckham for England manager campaigns. "They think it's all over. It is now."
The good folks on the nonleaguezone website have been having their bit of fun predicting how the divisions will pan out this season. I've kept out of it as you can't tell at this time of the season but it's shaping up to be a good one and I honestly don't think we’ll be far off.
The ITV commentary team. Barring Gareth Southgate - what a useless set of blurts. Turns over to BBC and Linekar, Shearer and Hansen. Hmmmm
Solidity from the Vodkat clubs and fans over the summer - concerning the Chester business and their attacks - and very strong leadership from the League committee. Well done to all concerned.
"Enjoy yourself it's later than you think"
Joe Hawkins

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